This is Axiom.

ampersand, ampersand

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 06:02:00 -0400

tangle me in, touch my hand

rush of curves and empty space-

and, and, and

an embrace

I wish to fill up the empty spaces floating in my weak chest muscle.

Thu, 23 May 2013 03:07:01 -0400

Fillings for the cavity

casts for the bones

with echoes and songs

and the sounds of your tenor

eat my fear

and shit out light

Call me beautiful baby,

and I will burrow into the spot at your side

until we morph bedazzled

vines entwining my hair to yours

my lips to yours

my heart to yours

hating yourself isnt poetry.

Wed, 01 May 2013 21:53:00 -0400

Eat the stars and see the light behind your mind.

The Song I Wrote You

Wed, 01 May 2013 02:47:01 -0400

We are all born to be casualties.

Dictionary of new words by Amelia Pinzon

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 16:08:44 -0400

fenestelluhhh:

Thought these all up while tripping this morning. Say them out loud, because they are very satisfying and fun to say.

Barbaetous.

Hercleanic.

Titanlaeic

Byntrite

Tineclaic Barbaetous Byntrite

Highclite.

Barbaeteranimoustintrunk.

Herclean-anclidose.

Jazzmasmoothed

Ferbanterum

Bintrose

remember that one time I made up my own words when I was high on 2c-i?

You are heaven.

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 03:22:41 -0400

…if it existed.

I would give everything including myself to watch you awake in the morning and fall asleep next to you in the night.

It torments me, this pain we feel. That you shouldn’t have to feel. Common, cool, collected so...

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 16:14:17 -0400

It torments me, this pain we feel.

That you shouldn’t have to feel.

Common, cool, collected so don’t stop to put on

that painted face for me.

I am a witness to this cruel seductor, a play thing.

Raggedy Anne-xed

Soft and threadbare, I feel bulletproof.

Off of your shining peaks, I viewed paradise-

an unwavering anxiety

flooded my lungs and stomach pumps

iron.

I sit with goosebumped flesh,

for a simple glimpse

of Real.

"Ultimately, we all must grow. Bigger, better, wiser, but we must not forget our roots. Continue to..."

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 06:16:42 -0400

“Ultimately, we all must grow. Bigger, better, wiser, but we must not forget our roots. Continue to look back and be thankful for what you were given, because we don’t all get a chance at privileged starts. Remember that we are all facing threat and hardship and that someday our hands will collide and we will change the world.”

- Amelia Pinzon (via fenestelluhhh)

Truths

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 06:13:11 -0400

fenestelluhhh:

Confusion is the food of infirm minds. We feed and live off of it. It fuels our already insecure hearts wit some new experience that is constantly longed for. On that topic, I’m not just “simply” confused, I am insanely lost. The things that live in my mind, the monsters and the mighty and the weak have never been unleashed. No matter how much I open my mouth or touch my pen to sweet scented paper, I have never touched these things. They are still fighting to get out and fighting every matter and thought in my head. They are my fears, every lat one that demands to be spoken of. I think maybe if I did talk about them, they would consume me. A broken, crazy little girl, still beautiful on the outside, but marred on the in. Mascara bleeding eyes. But I will speak regardless.

One: Amoeba. Is it possible that I am so desperate for accompaniment, that I don’t realize that I am actually petrified of intimacy? I love sex. I can admit it, but with someone I love, I have no idea. I don’t know because I have never had that. I have no idea how it feels to share myself exclusively with someone on that level. Like an amoeba, who is asexual, could I be asking myself if I am as such? I’m so scared of being alone forever that in my mad scramble in fear I have closed myself off to such things. My fear lies in the fact that I could not want anyone or no one could ever want me. Especially for anything more than touch.

Two: Tortoise. There is someone out there for everyone. I’ll admit I am aware of the theory, but it is just that: a theory. People go through life completely alone with no one ever. They spend days alone on the couch, petting cats, longing for someone, but doing nothing about it. I have someone who wants me, who wants to hold my hand and kiss my cheek and sing me to sleep. It could have worked before. Before he clammed up and was fearful of ruining our friendship. He wants to try again. I can’t see him that way any more. He could be perfect and as much as I want to leap into open air and hope to fly, I stick my neck and head back into my shell. Behind a wall. In a vault. Tortoises can’t fly, you know? There is more fear that I cant even give myself to someone who wants me so badly. The closer he gets, the more I want to make sanctuary of my shell.

Three: Photograph. Black, white, serene. Landscape, portrait. Photographs defy physics. Everything must change, right? I see whats wrong with myself. I have the desire to change, but I don’t. I never take the key step to actual change. I stay, watching everything I love change without me. Fear is cropping up again. Maybe if I change I don’t like who I am when I do, I can’t go back. Changing is learning and you can’t unlearn. The only way to control change is to limit it within myself and in my life. Because as much as Autumn is beautiful, I can’t keep it forever and the frost of winter quickly approaches. Should I let myself fall, approaching madness to find change? When I try to change something about myself, I am seen as self destructive, but being human, I am only trying to trigger a change within myself, and I am running out of options. A never ending rut. Neck deep and growing deeper. Black, white, anything but serene. A photograph of a six foot deep hole. A future. A past.

Fear is consuming me. Is a life worth living with every word scared to be said? Every step scared to be taken? My monsters are loose now. Shackles broken, teeth wild. My mind isn’t fear yet, but it is a fearful step taken. I have no desire to play hide and seek with my demons so I will not run after them or from them. I will not be consumed, for they are all free. And freedom may not be happiness (quite the opposite, actually), but it is knowing and me taking a step towards mental stability. Finally, I can live without without the insanity bubbling to my temple and out of my eyes. I can be okay. Demons, just you try and catch me now.

take it all out on me. there is nothing i want more. i want to be the envy of the masochists. i want...

Wed, 23 Jan 2013 02:25:08 -0500

take it all out on me.

there is nothing i want more.

i want to be the envy of the masochists.

i want to be your black sheep.

i want to be your scape goat.

take it out on me, darling.

there is nothing i want more.

Relapse:Crystal Ball

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 03:10:00 -0500

Do you remember wanting to be older? Sitting in your bedroom, legos strewn on the floor and Gargoyles playing on the TV. Mom calling from the kitchen, fueled with urgency. Do you remember looking forward to the future when you were suddenly a famous artist and had the whole world figured out and splayed at your feet? Skipping those 15 odd years in daydreamers paradise to the moment you opened your mansion door after stepping out of your car to see the love of your life’s face smiling at you.

Before you realized it wasn’t that easy or simple. Before nostalgia would slap you in the face. Before you yearned for the simplicity that you had so quickly tried to escape.

I had never imagined how this all would be. I had never imagined the amount of immense pain that came with promise of another day to add to the box of numbers that sits stinking like a trashcan in your kitchen of broken dreams and sad stories. Had my hope evaporated so quickly in the sunshine of another day wasted?

I have never so badly wanted to turn around. To stop and complete a 180. But then, I remember. I remember the fear. I imagine that turn and looking back at all this hardship. All this bullshit. And then turning again and seeing the white and unknown that is the next day. I think of the crowded and chaotic mess of memories that hurt to remember.

I want a way out.

I want my imagination of what the future was to Amelia of age 8 to implode and lead me there.

I want a way to cut deeper and see the stars in my blood and the galaxies in my heart.

I want more.

There is no crystal ball, no mystical answer, no all knowing master of time. Just me and this endless wanting, fingers outstretched to the light I do not know and eyes blind to the infinite chance.

Do you remember? Wanting more? Reaching for the stars, like they told you in third grade? I don’t think they realized the importance of that wish. I don’t think they knew that the little redhead sitting front row would have become the drug addict. The college dropout. The lonely. The living from paycheck to paycheck. The wanting. I’m still reaching for those stars, but all I get is handfuls of dirt and blood.

Is this all I am? All I’ll ever be? Or is this just another stupid girl trying reach another understanding soul through words? Just another stupid girl.

Silly, wanting girl.

Relapse:Silver Dust

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 09:16:00 -0500

I snuffed out her life as her wings beat frantic.

The wing queen slept after I granted her a goddess’ mercy.

I could hear her cries as she tried to lift herself from the ground to no avail.

The lit cigarette I threw almost to waste- in an attempt tolet go…

Became her savior.

And I murdered once again.

I cried for her,

I cried for the pain I knew she felt.

I felt it too.

Stacked years of endless pain.

No savior has come to my aid.

No secret has saved me.

So I sit here wishing I knew what real mercy was and what the beauty of death could be.

But I could not ask.

Never were the words so hard to expel from my lungs.

From my own lofty breath.

A stranger will save me one day.

But that day is not today.

This, the day of the wing queen’s death

Relapse:11.11.12

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 08:31:00 -0500

We were messes, discord and carelessness

We were beautiful, in a way.

Can you remember?

——

Before being together was difficult

and strained

Before the loneliness enveloped this tender organ

Before you took it all out on me

Before…

——

I had a chance to love you

to hold you

A constant collection and dissipation

bubbles in spit.

——

A most dangerous addiction

nodding and floating and then we

drop

into the dark

——

Is it so easy to forget

A man in a child’s world

Touching so closely to the war in which

you have found yourself

——

I am not a toy

I am not convenient

I am not easy

I am ignored

——

The words your tongue won’t speak

——

I suck down the heat in vain,

the harsh cold refuses to evacuate

bitter, soiled lungs

and tongues

——

Tangled and mangled though we are

like forced constellations

seeking peace

pieces of mind.

——

Singular weekenders

adrift in frozen stars that arrive

in time

But early.

——

And the earthly weakness

errs and uhms that creak

under and over

with squandered assurances

——

This rusted wheel won’t turn.

These oxidized bones won’t feel.

But I will heal.

fenestelluhhh: …i was a faerie once…

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 04:42:42 -0500

fenestelluhhh:

…i was a faerie once…

from this point forward, all poems will be classified under relapse

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 19:54:19 -0500

i am no longer musing as an aging idiot.

Ashes and Salt

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 02:56:00 -0400

I was confused once.

Still am.

It seems I am not the only one. You asked me why I was scared, remember? I ignored the protest of the mind of self and fell swan-dive into rivers of you.

You are the adventure and I jumped to embark for what it was that I was not yet sure of. I didn’t know what I was getting into. I told you that this was new. For me. That I was unsure, but that I was going to try.

But what is this? The moment I reach to your hand, your mind has changed. Was I too much? Too little? I wanted you so incredibly. What happened to feeling “that fear” and not giving a fuck (in your own particular words)? Now it’s only when you want to fuck… I feel lied to and cheated by my own gullible emotions and in some way this is your own sick revenge for your wasted love.

Who was I to believe that you- sweet fortnight lover would want me for keeps. It’s okay, I understand now.

Now you’re the scared one. And held back from what could be our precious adventure by your own cruel refusals and wilted emotion. Rational, I suppose, but so unlike you, darlin’. I told you I was the flighty one. I guess I was wrong about that too. I’m the asshole here, and quite aware.

The last thing, you said, that you wanted was to hurt me. I think we forgot that part too. How do you, my hind sight lover, so willingly flip your light switch from on to off- emotions so easily ignored and why the fuck do I care so much? You’re just another silly boy…

The same silly boy who told me I was beautiful and that he loved me, that would wiggle like an excited pup when he would stare into my hypnotic eyes, who said that I had said some of the sweetest things any girl had said to him.

All things fail right?

All things fall right?

What gave you the right to do this to me?! Right, that was me. I hate you with all the love I can muster from within myself.

I’m just another girl to fuck

to fuck over

to break.

Thank you, first love. For the lesson I was not ready to learn. You were one hell of a teacher, huh?

waterwasted flickerflame

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 02:24:48 -0400

The warmth licks my fingers

when I place my hand just

above

you(r)

flame.

—-

You are passion, flame

unbridled

a constant burn.

I left my hand above you too long in

false security.

—-

Fingers singed, it spreads to

my belly and my face

marring the sapphires

weighing water

I thirsted myself.

—-

How silly was I-

to believe fire and water

could love unhindered

and I laugh bitter

and cold.

—-

Third degree

it spreads like a heavy rash

it hurting me, baby.

I believed I could

quench you.

—-

Turned me to steam

I dissipated

this is what we wanted right?

Tell me this is what you wanted.

101312

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 02:18:42 -0400

Twenty eight days

too late

you are not mine

you do not belong to me

You belong to the people

the masses,

the public

is yours

constellation king, you were

not meant

for this world

Teach me lessons of:

unabashed ferocity

shamelessness

disregard

lies

I am incapable.

Congratulations.

Hallowed be thy name-

Sun, 14 Oct 2012 19:54:00 -0400

I was a saint once.

Cool and crisp like fresh white

bedsheets.

Ivory towers and roses

refreshed in autumnal showers

That was before the storm.

Clapping thunder,

it’s making me deaf.

livid,eyes clenched-

fists

Barreling forward toward

the torrent

Lifted

ungifted

5 feet high

or Low.

The white haze fell upon me

and

I inhaled

and disappeared.

Stained sheets, soiled lungs, withered roses

mottled with ages

and utter disgust

I refuse to stop and smell them

I was a saint once.

Only once.

and my demon days

have arrived

Us, Us, Them, Them

Sun, 14 Oct 2012 19:46:00 -0400

Shield your eyes, they said,

for these are not the soft

tendrils of smoke

around you.

Shield your heart, the said,

for the black hold will swallow

your essence and

the light inside you.

Sing for the ages, darlin’

Can we not defy them?

And so I attempted to shield you

spurned so sorely.

Was I not shielded myself

and not so concerned…

Indeed I was pierced by the

shrapnel.

Fenestelluhs of soul, saved.

mortal body- weak - crumples

pulled from embrace, engulfed

in this endless, endless

endless

space.

These things I then knew were:

I foxed them, outsmarted them.

These cruel carousers of time

relinquished in favor of

this beast I had

saved.

Which indeed was not so

fearsome.

With empty eyes attached to

black holes and chest transparent

through / crumpled and drifting:

I cried.

We won.